Pattern Number 9
Mind of a Recovering Juice Feaster/ Cancer Patient
>when the doctor told me i had breast cancer, i was not surprised as i have seen the tumor grow
>>I hid it believing it will stop growing and magically disappear
>>>i hoped that through good nutrition and a healthy diet i can fix this
>>>>it is now obvious this does not work, it can make me feel light or heavy
>>>>>but it does not heal the cause of this
>>>>>>i wanted to know the cause of cancer
>>>i have to do research myself
>>>>i will search the internet and see what they have in terms of cure
>>>>>some uses baking soda in their water
>>>>>>some go and check in - in expensive health resorts that give them a healthy diet
>>>>>>>some juice wheat grass
>>>>>>>>some cleanse their blood through oxegenating it
>>>>>>>>>but how do i know what really happened to them
>>>>>>>>>>how do i know the ins and out of what they went through
>>>>>>>>>>>I am confused
>>>>>>>>>>>>I still do not know what works
>>>all i know is that i have to take the mental cause of this, head on - look at my thoughts, backchats etc.
>>>>i will use self-forgiveness for that, i have used it for a year - it's difficult but it makes sense
>>>>>it is me that is forgiving myself so i know i am doing something for myself for real
>>>>>>and then i will take on the physical part which is, assist my body to survive
>>>>>>>this is a big thing, it is difficult because this does not allow me to even feel sad about this
>>>>>>>>i have to be here and look at the physical body and what will commonsensically help
>>>>>>>>>this is a big job
>>>>>>>>>>but if i transcend all these
>>>>>>>>>>>i will be stronger and know more about myself
>>>>>>>>>>>>and I will not be scared of death anymore
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i'd like to transcend this
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i have tackled many problems in my life and i am still here so i know i can do this
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I just have to pull myself together
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>it is very difficult to look at the practical side of things when i have fear of death
>>>the doctors just do what they do like a robot of the system
>>>>and the information in the internet does not help me to decide what to do
>>>>>i wish i will find something that will tell me what to do exactly
>>>>>>what is the cause of this
>>>>>>>and how to survive this
>>>>>>>>i have to see the commonsense of all these myself
>>>These doctors cannot be trusted
>>>>the medicine they give is full of chemicals which even cause side effects
>>>>>i do not like medicines
>>>>>>i do not like nurses
>>>>>>>i do not like hospitals
>>>>>>>>i guess i have to do self-forgiveness for my fear of all these
>>>I heard Chinese herbs work
>>>>i will investigate everything that can help me because i am alone in this life and death situation
>>>>>this Chinese doctor, she just does what she normally does
>>>>>>she does not really care if i live or die
>>>>>>>that acupuncture made me relax a bit, but not much
>>>>>>>>but i did not see any change in my body, or should i see any change?
>>>>>>>>i know she will give me a list of herbs to buy and cook
>>>>>>>>>the taste of these herbs is horrible
>>>>>>>>>>i tend to feel like i want to vomit when i take them
>>>>>>>>>>>but i will take them hopefully this will heal me and make me survive
>>>>>>>>>>>they are very bitter and cost a lot of money
>>>>>>>>>>>>illness also cost money
>>>what other things work?
>>>>i remember my friend bought a radionics machine in the US
>>>>let me contact him
>>>>>he said to send him a strand of my hair
>>>>>>and he will see what kind of remedy will match
>>>>>>>let me buy this remedy
>>>>>>>>i hope this works because in a week's time i will have my surgery
>>>>>>>>>i feel that something is being squeezed from within, i do not know what is going on
>>>>>>>>>>but the tumor is still big
>>>>>>>>>>>i do not really have any option but surgery
>>>this is too much to deal with
>>>>what will happen to my kids if i leave
>>>>>i guess they will still survive as they have survived in the past
>>>>>>even with me abroad
>>>>>>>i do not have much to lose if i die as i do not have much possession and ties
>>>>>>>>but this life is important for me as i would like to do many things in this life to assist people
>>>>>>>>>i don't know how yet
>>>>>>>>>>but i will
>>>>>>>>>>>given more time
>>>>my mom is here again trying to help me and assist me to drink the mushroom capsules
>>>>>she wanted me to take
>>>>>>it's supposed to work
>>>>>>>because she said it worked for her
>>>>>>>>she's nagging me
>>>>>>>>>and it irritates me
>>>>>>>>>>i noticed i get irritated immediately now
>>>>>>>>>>>this itchy nagging feeling inside my body is stressful
>>>added to that is - people around me are more scared than me of cancer and death
>>>>this is ridiculous, lol
>>>>>i even talk to them that i am allright - and talk to them about their fears
>>>>>>I am grateful that i have learned self-forgiveness
>>>>>>>I am grateful to
Desteni
>>>>>>>>I don't know how i can battle this disease without self-forgiveness
>>>>>>>>>somehow i can feel the release in my body when i forgive myself
>>>>>>>>>>but now the lump has grown to the size of a small melon
>>>>>>>>>>>i need to also look at the physical side of things
>>>>>>>>>>>>and find out what to do with my body
>>>>>>>>>>>>>I don't even know what caused cancer
>>>i can't eat much because of this burning itchy nagging feeling inside me
>>>>these juices will help me feel light
>>>>>solids make me feel heavy
>>>>>>heaviness and that burning itchy nagging feeling that is there constantly is too much for me
>>>>>>>I will make juices - of fruits and herbs throughout the day
>>>>>>>>I have my mom to help me
>>>>>>>>>but i hope she will not nag me
>>>>>>>>>>because that in itself is stressful
>>>>>>>>>>>the surgeon told me i have to get chemotherapy and radiation
>>>>>>>>>>>>he said if i don't, it will be nasty that even my family will not want to visit me
>>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck, how can he scare me when i am ill?
>>>it is difficult to decide which way i am going
>>>> but i am the only one that knows my body well enough
>>>>>his suggestion is to have radiation to collapse the tumor
>>>>>>then have chemotherapy to kill the cancer cells
>>>>>>>but with that burning itchy nagging feeling here all day plus weakness due to chemo, i will die
>>>>>>>>it is just too much for me to take
>>>>>>>>>and he said there is no chance of survival
>>>so let me have another opinion from another doctor
>>>>he said that radiation can work but again , no chance of survival
>>>>>they diagnosed me as having stage 4 breast cancer
>>>let me talk to another yogi friend, also a surgeon
>>>>he said that my chances in surviving if i opt for surgery is not much but anything is possible
>>>>>>i think that when that throbbing burning itchy feeling is gone when the tumor is gone
>>>>>>>i will be okay because i will feel comfortable
>>>>>>>>he said if they remove all of the tissues in my breast and that's hard to do - there's a chance
>>> i opted for surgery only
>>>>refusing chemotherapy and radiation
>>>>>i still have to make decisions even when i am ill?
>>>>>>This is ridiculous, but what can i do? I am the only one who i can trust to decide for me
>>>>>>>this surgeon is in the operating room so let me request him to remove all breast cancerous tissues
>>>he said he will try, but he did not really like my decision to not have chemo and radiation
>>>>even my oncologist shakes his head with my decision and does not want to look at me in the eye
>>>>>he did not like that i went against his advise - to have radiation and chemotherapy
>>>>>>even my surgeon does not like my decision - it is not what he advised me to do
>>>>>>>now i am awake from the operation
>>>>>>>>my left front thigh is bandaged as they grafted my thigh skin to the breast
>>>>>>>>>it's difficult to move my legs
>>>>>>>>>>I am wondering why there's no pain
>>>>>>>>>>>I did not take drugs either after the operation
>>>>>>>>>>>>I feel okay
>>>It is interesting that the yogi friends that came over
>>>>were sad when they came
>>>>>i had to even make the yogi teacher feel better
>>>>>>I am thankful that self-forgiveness is here
>>>>>>>It assisted me in releasing my fears
>>>>>>>>>the burning, itchy, nagging feeling is gone
>>>>>>>>>>but my body is deformed
>>>>>>>>>>>what will my husband think of my body?
>>>>>>>>>>>>how will he survive without sex for about 3 months
>>>>>>>>>>>>>I am worried that he will cheat
>>>I am scared of wounds and blood
>>>> yet they wanted me to nurse my breast wound myself
>>>>>this is scary
>>>>>>and they also wanted me to change the dressing of the thigh wound, are you kidding me?
>>>>>>but it's good to know that i am still here
>>>>>>>i only have myself and self-forgiveness, nothing else, when i faced death
>>>>>>>>self-forgiveness works
>>>>>>>>>i am grateful
>>>I am also thankful that i saw my desires and fears about how i look
>>>>how can i not know that i have fear of my body being deformed
>>>>>until now, after surgery?
>>>>>>I did not know i had fear of death until now, that i faced death in the face
>>>>>>>I really thought i did not have any fear of death nor being deformed
>>>>>>>>my thigh has changed
>>>>>>>>> i have only one breast
>>>>>>>>>>that's sad
>>>>>>>>>>>i am just glad that my husband has a good health care coverage that covers both of us
>>>>>>>>>>>>the treatment bills cost $30,000
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i will be fucked without this insurance
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I am grateful that he works in a good company
>>>how will my husband react to these changes in my body, i wonder?
>>>>that remains to be seen
>>>>>I hope he does not mind these changes
>>>>>> I really do not know what he is thinking so I know he will not
>>>>>>>>>>>>but at the moment all i care about is that i am alive
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i am really grateful that i am alive
===
Note: Desires are fuelled by fears. The 'positive' comes from the accumulation of the 'negative'
Let's look at Some of my Fears and Desires:
Fear 1: fear of being physically deformed
Desire 1: to be physically perfect
Fear 2: fear of others knowing i am ill/sick having a tumor in my breast/cancer
Desire 2: to eat healthy food - without any illness/without any tumor/cancer
Fear 3: fear of not knowing the cause of cancer so i can avoid doing it and survive
Desire 3: to research - to know the cause of cancer so i will be able to avoid it
Fear 4: fear of not knowing what happens to other cancer patients
Desire 4: to know what they went through - to see how they survived and be able to beat this disease - so i can survive the disease
Fear 5: fear of doctors
Desire 5: desire to take care of myself and eat healthy food at home and not go to the hospital to see a doctor
Fear 6: fear of nurses
Desire 6: desire to take care of myself - eat healthy food at home and not go to the hospital
and be taken cared of by a nurse
Fear 7: fear of hospitals
Desire 7: desire to not get sick, eat healthy food and take care of myself at home and forever be healthy so i will not be sick and be in the hospital
Fear 8:fear of being alone when i die
Desire 8: desire to have/be with someone when i die- to save me, just in case i encounter pain and suffering - so he can hold my hand and assure me everything will be okay
Let's look at Some of My Beliefs:
Belief 1: if my body is deformed, people will not like me because i look ugly
Belief 2: if others know i am sick they will look down on me
Belief 3: if i know the cause of cancer i will be able to avoid it
Belief 4: that if i know how others survive cancer i will know to survive cancer
Belief 5: that doctors do not care believing they do not even care about what they eat
so they will not care about me nor what i eat
Belief 6: that nurses are paid to take care of sick people - believing that they only do what they do because they are paid to do it
Belief 7: that hospitals are places where sick people stay
Belief 8: believing that i do not know what happens after death - believing that because i do not know what happens when i die i have to have someone with me to save me from danger, pain or suffering - believing that if i am alone, no one will save me and i will suffer alone - believing i need someone to save me from pain and suffering and assure me everything will be okay
Quote:
' your mind is that very system that manipulate, deceive and lie
to your very beingness to get your beingness to respond
in a very particular specific way to the mind'
Interview from Eqafe
I ask myself these questions:
1. Is my beingness trapped within this pattern (at the beginning at the blog)?
2. Can i free my beingness from this trap?
To See the Problem and Solution
Quote:
'The energy of fear takes the physical body and so ones beingness into a resonant state of stress and tension and when one move ones sound in the self-forgiveness as a gentle soft depth, assist and support with that change of energy and its consequence to self stability in the physical body... '
=
'What is fascinating about desire is also its often or frequent attachment to fear in that one will be in a desire but at the same time there will be a fear as well in how one get into that internal conflict for a moment - i want to but i don't but i can't stop myself, oh and there i go and then one give in to the particular specific desire...'
Date: May 22, 2013
